Let’s set the scene.

You’re halfway through the day. You’ve got 57 tabs open, physically and mentally. The kitchen’s a crime scene, there’s laundry breeding in the hallway, someone needs something again, and your brain?

Your brain just said, “What if we thought about that super awkward conversation from 2009 right now?” And you’re like, “Sure, sounds productive.”

Before you spiral further into becoming a feral goblin, let’s hit pause and do a midday vibe check. Because sometimes – especially if you’re sleep-deprived, overwhelmed, or your stress level just cranked up – you forget the basics that keep your squishy meat suit operating.

So here it is. A totally unserious, completely essential checklist to keep your day from nose-diving into chaos.

Future Me and Past Me Have a Problem

Future Marie and Past Marie are in a bit of a toxic situationship. Present Marie is just sitting in the middle like a beleaguered therapist. Can you relate?

“Okay, Past Marie, why didn’t you boil those eggs yesterday?”
“Because I was busy disassociating in the laundry room, okay?”
“Well, Future Marie is now low blood sugar, dizzy, and hissing at the children.”
“Not my problem.”

THE NEUROSPICY DAILY RESET CHECKLIST
(Because Present Me is sick of being the rope in this time-tug-o-war)

• Have I eaten? Like, real food? Coffee doesn’t count unless it contains at least one egg.
• Have I peed in the last 4 hours?
• Do I know where my water bottle is?
• Has the salt gods been appeased?
• Do I feel more like a raccoon than a human? (This might be fine. You do you.)
• What’s one tiny thing I can do to make Future Me say “oh yay” instead of “oh no”?
• Did I move? Even a wiggle? Even dancing to one meme audio?
• Do I need a nap, or do I need protein? (Flip a coin if unsure.)

Screech. Halt. Coffee with an Egg?

You know, I always feel weird when I tell people about this, but it’s delicious and it keeps me going for a long time. If a keto bro, a Vietnamese auntie, and a Hogwarts potions professor collaborated, this is what they’d make.

Here’s how I make my coffee:

Crack 1 (sometimes 2) egg in a large mug. Stick my immersion blender in and beat it well. Add 1 teaspoon monkfruit, 1 teaspoon MCT Oil, 1 teaspoon butter. Beat that in really well. Slowly add hot coffee while pulsing with the immersion blender. Don’t blend too much or it’ll swoosh over the top of the mug.

With one egg, it’s about 150 calories, 14 grams fat, 6.6 grams protein, and only 1 gram carbs.

Yes, you’ll still have to eat something solid during the day. I’m sitting here at 2:30 as the kids arrive from school and I realize that’ s the last thing I ate. Present Marie needs to go make some hardboiled eggs since Past Marie neglected to do the thing.

💦 If You Didn’t Pee, You’re Not Drinking Enough

Fun fact: The average human pees every 3–4 hours. If you just blinked and realized it’s been, like, seven… that’s a problem. Unless you’re doing a Lord of the Rings movie marathon and have just merged with the couch, you probably aren’t drinking enough water.

And that? That does bad things to your brain. Like, executive dysfunction levels go from “mild chaos” to “I forgot I was making toast two hours ago and now it’s a small black Frisbee.” Your body is 60% water, give or take. If you don’t refill it, your brain turns into a dusty attic full of squirrels and guilt.

So be kind to yourself. Pause. Pee. Hydrate. Repeat. Trust me – Future You will thank you (probably from the bathroom).

🫙 Where’s Your Water Bottle?

Let’s not get bogged down in semantics – maybe it’s a water bottle, maybe it’s a chipped mug that says “World’s Okayest Human,” maybe it’s an old jam jar with vibes. The point is: WHERE IS IT?

If you haven’t peed recently (see above 👀), I bet the thing that holds your water is not within arm’s reach. This is not a coincidence. Out of sight, out of bladder.

So go on. Find it. Refill it. Give it a little rinse if it’s starting to smell like last week’s regrets. Then put it next to you like a loyal hydration goblet. Because yes, your water bottle loves you. It just wants to see you succeed, glow, and pee at healthy intervals.

🧂 All Hail the Salt Gods

Let’s be real: Without salt, you will die. No, that’s not dramatic – it’s biochemistry. Your muscles need sodium to contract, your nerves need it to fire, and your cells need it to not shrivel up like raisins in the sun. So yes, you NEED SALT.

But somehow, we’ve built this weird cult of fear around salt – like it’s the white powder devil sneaking around in your food waiting to give you a heart attack.

And look, that might be true… if your entire diet is frozen pizzas and shelf-stable spaghetti in a can. That’s not appeasing the salt gods—that’s sacrificing yourself on their altar.

If you eat anything close to real food – heck, even if you just try to eat real food most of the time – especially on keto, carnivore, or anything low-carb, you need to actively chase salt just like your ancestors did. You’re flushing it out faster than a toddler with a new water gun, and if you don’t replace it, you’ll feel like death.

Headaches.

Fatigue.

Crankiness.

Nausea.

Your body will scream, “Please, I am just a humble bag of meat and water, and I crave the sacred crystals.”

So go ahead – honour the Salt Gods. Bless your roast with sea salt. Whisper sweet nothings to your electrolytes. And stop feeling guilty for salting your eggs.

🦝 Racoon or Human? (Honestly?)

It’s midday. You’re disheveled, mildly twitchy, and just made a weird noise when you stood up. You’ve been hunched over your tasks like a gremlin. Your hair is doing that thing. You know the one. How do I know – because I hit hyper-fixation mode and do the same thing.

So let’s pause for a second and ask: Is your body throwing up any engine lights?

• Shoulders up around your ears?
• Eyes dry?
• Spine making “Rice Krispie” sounds?
• Heart doing that fluttery “I drank coffee but forgot to eat” thing?
• Emotional state: ✨feral✨?

Cool cool cool. That doesn’t mean you’ve failed at being a person. It just means it’s raccoon o’clock, and it’s time to make some choices.

Here’s what you can do:

🛌 Nap
Video games can wait. Your soul cannot. Go pretend to be a dramatic Victorian lady (regardless of gender). “I must to my bed!”

🎮 Or play that game.
The cozy one. The chaotic one. Mine is Sims 4 and I make their lives miserable. Or sometimes I lose an hour getting that porch just right. EJ prefers vampire games where he kills all sorts of digital bad guys. Whatever. You know what you need.

☀️ Or – and this is bold – step outside.
No, really.

Outside.

Touch grass.

Let the sun hit your skin.

Stare blankly into the sky like the solar-powered cryptid you are. (Not at the sun, at the sky.) Even five minutes of daylight can reset your brain. It’s like hitting Control-Alt-Del on your mood.

🙈 Or do absolutely none of the above and doom scroll until your brain resets.
Look, I’m not here to shame your coping methods. But if you do choose this route, at least get some water while you scroll, yeah? And set a timer because that stuff can suuuuuuuck you in.

Midday vibe checks aren’t about judgment – they’re about noticing.
Noticing that you’re running on fumes, that your inner raccoon is steering the ship, and that maybe, just maybe, it’s time to kindly tuck her in for a nap and let the human drive for a while.

🔮 Do Something for Future Me

Here’s the deal. We’re not aiming for grand gestures here. No one’s asking you to organize your taxes or alphabetize your spice rack by terroir. (Unless that sparks joy, in which case … I see you and am amazed by you.)

We’re talking tiny, merciful acts of kindness for your future self. The kind that make you stop mid-chaos tomorrow and go, “OH bless you, Past Me, you absolute legend.”

You know what I’m talking about:

☕ Prepping the coffee pot the night before.
Morning Me is a mess. Morning Me has no fine motor skills and really doesn’t want to be awake this earlier anyway. So Past Me, in her 10pm glory, scoops the grounds and fills the water. All hail her.

🍽️ Throwing supper in the slow cooker early.
Future Me at 3pm is spinning like a Sims character about to pee their pants. But Present Me? Present Me fried the steaks this morning and dumped them in the Crock-Pot. That’s right. Dinner is handled. Chef’s kiss. Kids can do the dishes.

👟 Putting shoes by the door.
Because Future Me will absolutely spend 10 minutes yelling “Where are my shoes?!” at a wall. This avoids that. Also applies to hanging up my purse on the hook my husband put up just for my purse. You’d be surprised how hard it can be to find a giant purple purse.

🧻 Refilling the toilet paper.
This one’s heroic. Truly. Past You deserves a statue.

💻 Closing tabs. Writing a sticky note. Plugging in your devices.
They’re all love letters to Future You, signed: “I remembered you exist.”

And hey—some days, “doing something for Future Me” might be:

🧸 folding two towels
🥚 boiling three eggs
🧂 refilling the salt container
🛏 pulling the clean sheets back before bedtime

So take a moment. Scan your world. Ask:
“What will make Future Me breathe a little easier?”

Then go do just one thing. That’s it. That’s the magic.

💃 Did You Move That Booty (Even a Little Bit)?

Look, I’m not here to shame anyone for fusing with the couch. I love that couch. That couch knows all my secrets.

But also: our bodies were not designed to sit in the same exact position for seven hours straight like a depressed gargoyle with WiFi.

Have you moved today?

No, not pee movement – we covered that and it’s not enough. I mean, did you:

• Stretch even slightly?
• Stand up for two minutes and shake out your limbs like a wet dog?
• Do a kitchen dance while waiting for your coffee to brew?
• Run up the stairs with the smug energy of someone who remembered laundry before the mildew kicked in?

Because your muscles? They’re petty. They hold grudges. If you ignore them, they go full union protest like:

“No glute activation today? Cool, we’ll just hurt tomorrow when you reach for a pencil. Good talk.”

They’re big on “use it or lose it” – which is a crap retirement plan if you ask me, but here we are.

And let’s not forget the other kind of movement. Yes, I’m talking about… 💩 poop.

Movement (body-type) helps with movement (bathroom-type). It’s all connected.

Feeling a little clogged up and cranky? Shake your tail feathers. Take a walk. Do a lunge. Wiggle weird in the kitchen while your cat judges you.

So, vibe check:

• Have you stood up recently?
• Have you moved anything that isn’t your scrolling thumb?
• Can you do literally one stretch right now? Arms over head. Big breath. Shake the tension out. Boom. You moved. You did it.

Future You’s hip joints thank you.

😤 Do You Need Protein, a Nap, or to Go Poop?

There comes a point in every day – usually sometime between “the coffee wore off” and “why is my skin itchy and reality bendy” – when the world stops making sense and your brain just starts screaming like a haunted fax machine.

Come on, admit it. I’m not the only one who experiences that.

When that happens, pause and ask yourself:

🥩 Do You Need Protein?

Low blood sugar is a sneaky little gremlin. It doesn’t always show up like hunger. Sometimes it’s:

• Crying over a commercial about cheese
• Sudden rage at the way someone is chewing
• Forgetting how to do things you literally do daily

Especially if you’re low-carb, keto, or carnivore, you need a solid hit of protein + fat to get your brain back online. Not a rice cake. Not air. Not vibes. Real food.

Old Mom Wisdom™: Pre-boiled eggs are magic. Slices of cold steak soothe your nerves. You can literally eat peanut butter by the spoon and no one will stop you.

🛏️ Do You Need a Nap?

Listen, I know. Naps are for kids. Except they’re not. They’re for overstimulated, exhausted meat robots running on cortisol and iced coffee. That’s us, babes.

Sometimes your body isn’t hungry or sick or broken – it’s just TIRED. Like, “system shutting down, please plug in brain for updates” tired. A 20-minute lie down can work miracles.

Make it a blanket burrito with cat attachment. Maximum recharge. Everyone knows a purring cat heals everything.

🚽 Do You Need to Go Poop?

This one’s the sleeper agent. You think you’re having an existential crisis, but really your colon just has unfinished business.

Kids get cranky when they need to poop. So do adults – we just get weird about admitting it.

You don’t need therapy, a breakup, or to burn your life down. You just need to go poop.

💩 Seriously.

If you’re pacing, annoyed, uncomfortable in your own skin, and nothing’s helping – have a big glass of water, then go sit on the toilet. Bring your phone or a book. Wait it out.

It’s not always mental health. Sometimes it’s a biological process being very behind schedule.

This isn’t a joke. I’m an old mom. I’ve seen things. Trust me – when in doubt, try pooping.

So next time your whole vibe goes off the rails?

Pause. Ask yourself: “Do I need protein, a nap, or to go poop?”

Odds are, the answer is yes to at least one.

And maybe, just maybe, that’s what gets you through the day instead of rage-quitting life and becoming a forest cryptid.

🧚‍♀️ Final Thoughts

You don’t have to do it all. Just check in with yourself like you would a kid you love.

Are you fed? Hydrated? Warm? Uncrunched?

This is not a productivity checklist. It’s a survival vibe check. Because sometimes your brain stops braining and you forget that you are a creature with needs, not just a floating anxiety ghost with thumbs.

So if you’re reading this in a half-dissociated haze, unsure where the day went—pause.

Do one thing from this list.

Then maybe another.

Then maybe take a nap.

And if you’re still overwhelmed, remember: You can always become a forest cryptid. But you don’t have to do it today.